Barn Cats - 8 - Stan the Man

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The time: The pair are sent to the Fortress, a high-tech jail where inmates are fitted with Intestinators - electronic devices which can cause everything from extreme stomach pain to gore-splattered doom. Worse still, there's Kurtwood Smith to contend with - he plays Director Poe, the Fortress's heartless overlord, who gets to utter the wonderful line, "Random Intestinations! Of course. What kind of monster would put a couple in prison for attempting to have a baby?

This sci-fi injustice means we're rooting for John and Karen right from the beginning. Not even Kurtwood Smith, a runaway truck and an exploding barn can keep the couple from their chosen future of Pampers, interrupted sleep and endless repeats of In The Night Garden. The conviction: It's Sylvester Stallone again, this time playing a beret-wearing LA super cop whose scorched-earth approach to policing leads to the destruction of an entire warehouse full of hostages.

In fairness, Spartan was set up by his arch-nemesis, Simon Phoenix Wesley Snipes with blonde hair and dungarees. The time: As prison sentences go, the one in Demolition Man is arguably the most uneventful in film history. Spartan spends 36 years trapped in a giant ice-cube and staring into the middle distance, which is thankfully related in a brief opening sequence.

This gets us to the real meat of the movie: when he's thawed out for his parole hearing, Phoenix escapes and goes on a rampage. And because everyone's grown hopelessly effete by the 21st century, John Spartan's thawed out to bring him down.

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Unusually, Demolition Man does take a moment to suggest that Spartan's aggressive attitude to bringing down perps was partly to blame from the firey deaths of innocent people. But then again, this is soppy-eyed, hang-dog, loveable Sly Stallone we're talking about, and it's impossible to be angry with him for too long. It's later revealed that Phoenix had already killed all the hostages before the warehouse blew up, which also lets Spartan off the hook.

Oddly, the movie ends with the CryoPrison exploding, presumably killing all most of the convicts still frozen inside - something that's never mentioned during the concluding celebrations. The conviction: In the process of defending the honour of his pregnant wife, former US Ranger Cameron Poe a drawling Nicolas Cage punches and kills a drunken man in a bar fight.

At the advice of his lawyer, Poe pleads guilty, and ends up serving seven to ten years in a maximum-security prison. The time: Avoiding prison riots and other assorted mischief by hiding in his cell, growing his hair and writing interminably long letters, Poe whiles away eight years in jail. But just when he thinks he's about to be paroled on a good behaviour bond, the prison plane he's riding home is hijacked by his more violent fellow convicts. What follows is an account of Poe's attempts to get a stuffed bunny to his daughter's birthday party, in spite of the efforts of John Malkovich's evil Cyrus The Virus.

Unless you count that awful hairdo, for which deserved a few dozen hours' community service at least. The conviction: When air force pilot John Sands Steven Seagal uses his martial arts skills to intervene in an armed robbery of a truck stop - resulting in the death of all the robbers and the proprietor - he's sent to serve a sentence at a military detention centre.


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Sands' employees, it seems, are worried about his insider knowledge, and use the incident as an excuse to imprison him and wipe his memory. The time: While Sands sits in a chair and gloomily awaits his fate, the theft of a top-secret aircraft changes his fortunes. Sands is offered a shot at freedom if he can get the plane back - an opportunity Seagal accepts with his trademark gravelly whisper.

What follows is a bargain basement retread of Michael Dudikoff's Black Thunder, or Clint Eastwood's Firefox the movie, not the web browser , with Seagal heading deep into enemy territory actually a quarry in Romania, by the looks of it to retrieve the high-tech craft. Well, yes.

Horse behavior

The shop proprietor may have died in the crossfire, but Seagal was only trying to help. Still, if he hadn't been sent to a penitentiary on trumped up charges, the military wouldn't have had anyone to send to Afghanistan to prevent a dastardly terrorist plot. Silver linings and all that. The conviction: Guy Pearce pumps up and smokes cigarettes as futuristic CIA operative Snow, who's wrongfully convicted of murdering a fellow agent.

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He's sentenced to imprisonment on MS One, an orbiting prison where convicts are kept in suspended animation a bit like Demolition Man without the ice and Stallone nudity. The time: Once again, the hero's expertise - and fortunate timing - save him from years in a cell. Before Snow can be incarcerated, a group of prisoners escape from their pods, take over the MS One, and hold a visiting President's daughter Maggie Grace hostage.

Snow's therefore sent to the prison to save her. Fun, knock-about action hi-jinx swiftly follow. You bet. Not only was his character innocent of all charges, but Pearce also makes for a surprisingly great, unreconstructed action hero, and many of the film's best moments come from his gruff performance.

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Snow eventually earns his freedom, but a future of having to repeatedly save Maggie Grace from kidnappers undoubtedly beckons - which is really a cruel type of punishment in itself. The conviction: Yes, 20 years after his last wrongful conviction, Sylvester Stallone is once again going to prison for a crime he didn't commit. In The Tomb - due out in September in the US - Sly plays structural engineer Ray Breslin, who somehow ends up in a maximum security prison he designed himself.

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The time: The specifics of this particular imprisonment aren't yet clear, so we'll have to wait and see whether Stallone's time in the can is as grim as it was in Lock Up. What we do know, though, is that Jim Caviezel and Vinnie Jones will play ruthless prison wardens, and - this is the exciting bit - that Sly's cellmate will be none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger.


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We've also learned that 50 Cent will play another inmate named hush, a cyber criminal who uses his hacking skills to help Sly and Arnie escape. Will he deserve his freedom? Only time will tell. But by now, we think we have Sly fairly well figured out - he's a secret lover of prisons, and The Tomb finally gives him the opportunity to team up with his fellow 80s action star for a long stretch in the slammer.

View the discussion thread. Sign up for our daily newsletter Newsletter. We look at a few characters who faced wrongful imprisonment Robert De Niro was not afraid to express his support for the impeachment inquiry into President Trump. The production is an adaptation of the [ The agencies filed the suit Friday in federal court in Los Angeles.

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The complaint repeats allegations that were filed in individual agency suits in June and [ Scorsese, working from [ He was You will be redirected back to your article in seconds. By Andrew Barker. Running time: 96 MIN. Close Menu. Variety Intelligence Platform. Variety Mobile Logo. Premier Logo Created with Sketch.

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